TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
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