I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Just high enough for therapy.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
Randomize
