woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
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