i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
