so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
