well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
You're earring is so big in my mouth
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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