I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
We had sex on a dog bed..
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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