remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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