you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
