... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
