if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
