the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I'm having to shit out rocks
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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