***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
