I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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