we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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