Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Randomize
