and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
