I heard we made out
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Less talking, more tequila
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
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