my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
