she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Randomize
