we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
