Someone shit on the floor
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Randomize
