The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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