My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
