I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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