Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
