every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
