she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
