You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
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