Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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