ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
