I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Randomize
