I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Randomize
