how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
