you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Randomize
