Whats the glycemic index on semen?
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
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