I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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