My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Randomize
