I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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