she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
So squirting runs in the family.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
