You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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