Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
