please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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