I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
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