I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Randomize
