i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
