Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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