i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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