I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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