hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Randomize
