This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Brb crying the tears of my youth
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
