at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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