i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
