My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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