I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
