dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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